Please read the Glossary of My Terms to be able to follow this account.

I was born into a Parsi family in India in 1951. My sister was born a year later. We never went without three meals a day, and were sent to the supposedly better schools. Mother and father were not religious. Father was transferred in his job every three or four years. Till he retired – I was seventeen – we lived in different cities.

The only noteworthy feature of my school life was an unfailing zero for geography. Locations, climate, etc. were about as compelling to me as the phantasies of a telegraph pole … little has changed in this regard.

On finishing school I was clueless about my career. Father had me enrolled on a Bachelor of Commerce course of the university of Mumbai. On completion of this, an accountancy apprenticeship was arranged for me by a relative, with a firm in London. I started this aged twenty-one, equipped with fluency in English, a fragile self-esteem, and chariness of pursuing money. That I had little desire to become an accountant played only dimly on my radar.

From as far back as I can recall, I’d felt a fish out of water. In London this continued for 19 years, but in diminishing measure. After a less than fruitful accountancy apprenticeship I had a few short-lived accountancy related jobs, and worked as internal auditor in two organisations. Through these years I was not rudderless. In my teens Helper and I had become acquainted, assisted by a book picked out and relished by my sister from the cabinet at home; ‘In Tune with the Infinite’ by Ralph Waldo Trine. In increasing measure over the years, Helper had begun to inform my choices.

During my accountancy apprenticeship I had the good fortune one year of being sent to prepare the accounts of the Teilhard Centre, and receiving from the Secretary an annotated copy of The Phenomenon of Man. The idea of evolution along an axis to greater consciousness lifted my mood a notch … for good. In 1978 I encountered J Krishnamurti and in 1980 I read a book by CG Jung. In 1984 I had a reading with someone who could peer into a person and their circumstances. Later that year I participated in a Dartington Conference (Totnes, Devon) on ‘The Meaning of Illness’ where I had my first experience I’d describe as gnosis. In 1985 I read Jonathan Livingstone Seagull. Synchronicity lighted my way from time to time. And a feeling of something very good in store was a constant if shy companion.

From my earliest days in London I frequently heard in The Underground, this loudspeakered caution, “ Mind the gap! ”. It would be several years before I could see why this resonated with me. Yes, London Transport does try and save lives from disappearing down the tube.

At forty I parted with  commerce world. On the back of a new found interest in autism, I embarked on a six month evening course providing access to a psychology degree course of the London University. Livelihood now became a more challenging quantity, but I felt a considerable buoyancy, also that the span of human life was g e n e r o u s.

Following the course I obtained two offers, one for a research related MPhil programme with PhD potential, the other for a social psychology degree course. Research appealed, and I opted for the former. I felt at this juncture that I should be over the moon, but elation was absent … C r I s I s. A friend suggested that perhaps I wanted to be a psychoanalyst. “Yes!” said Helper. I prospected for training, relying hugely on Helper. It led me to a Lacanian school in London. I commenced having analysis, and later started the lectures and clinical seminars. On finishing these I obtained a placement in the psychological therapies department of a hospital. Following the placement I felt hesitant to embark on registration as a psychoanalyst. A few items informed this hesitancy. One of these was to reveal itself some years later, in 2013; something from my earliest life, too tightly contained whilst I was in analysis. Following a deep conversation regarding claustrophobia, I was beset by the symptom in fairly severe form, accompanied by strong feelings of despair. The crisis lasted some six months. Working through it I discovered I was re-experiencing my time in the womb; an awful incarceration. But alongside this and other repressed material, came intimation of resurrection – the experience communicated in the myths of which the story of Jesus is one .

Speaking of 2013, the number thirteen has appeared as a signifier in my life. On three occasions it marked passage to greener pasture; accompanied by a disintegration of existing circumstances; classic number thirteen. At other times it has marked an uncomplicated advent of something beneficial.

Till I retired from employment in 2019, I worked in organisations supporting persons with severe psychical difficulties to have a life in the community.

In London the opportunity to profit from home ownership presented itself a few times. On each occasion Helper barred my availing, and I gave up on the idea of ever owning my home. In my mid-forties however, when I had no steady job, Helper began to prompt me to look at purchasing property. I ended up with buy-to-let mortgages on two very cheap houses, one in South Wales, the other in North Italy, all at the instance of Helper. The house in Wales shaped into a way of making a social contribution, something I’d not expected at all. It also gave me a clear experience of karma in action. I sold the house shortly before I retired from employment. The house in Italy is of stone, perched on a hillside. I was very drawn to it as soon as I began viewing it; the decision to buy came in all of twenty-five minutes. Although I imagined I was only making an investment, I was in reality seeking a home. A few years later the house began to conjure for me the aspect of a Cathar refuge. As I’ve modified the structure and decorated and furnished it, it has begun to feel also like my temple.

In 2016 I began my fourth cohabitation with a woman; we married. As with the others, this relationship has been significantly beneficial for me. I hope, dare think even, that my wife benefits in equal measure.

No marks for guessing that I’ve never desired a child of my own. But one day as I was having a shower, I experienced quite fully – for the duration of the shower – feelings associated with fatherhood. Done and dusted.

I had my second gnostic experience in 2019.

In 2022 I discovered Spiritism. Its core understanding – that existence in spirit form follows physical death – enforces my experience of heartnosis.

Soon after I’d passed out of school, I had this dream : in a swimming pool, I am on water skis being pulled along by two fish; little effort is required of me. Then I am on a sea shore. A whale emerges ponderously from the water, and, arching its body, re-enters. I am left awestruck. A hulking dark, featureless figure, very like a shadow, moves along the shoreline, stalking the whale.

Nowadays I see The Gap frequently, clearly.

I have been in life but have not lived in the usual sense of the word; I was born repudiating earthscheme’s main course, profoundly.